Sometimes, Heroes Fall
by Fabius Maximus
Summary: Jim died in the Darklands, and now his friends are left to put their lives back together. Warning: Angsty. Sad. No fighting action will be found here.
1. Chapter 1

Warning: This story incorporates Kurt Vonnegut's rule 6:

6\. Be a sadist. Now matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them - in order that the reader may see what they are made of.

It is angstly-and is a nearly finished story I was playing with, so I decided to put it up, since it's a little different writing style than normal.

* * *

It was a week after Jim had returned Enrique that it happened. Draal was keeping watch over the Trollhunters mother. She was asleep, the house silent, Toby and Claire returned home when Draal heard it from the outside.

 _Draal_ _…_

He moved outside of the house, careful to keep from waking Barbara…

And there it was. The amulet of daylight was laying on the grass in front of him. The predawn light gleamed off of its metal, as it called for Draal again. Draal reached out, praying to the spirits of trollhunters past that it was just a phantasm.

But it was not.

What he had wanted, what he had almost killed the Trollhunter for… and as the armor formed around him, the only thought Draal had was, _Oh Trollhunter. Oh Jim. I am so very sorry._

And then, he realized he had an even worse duty ahead. It was Saturday. Toby and Claire had decided to gather with Blinky to make plans to rescue Jim. He would have to tell them.

It was the longest walk in his life. He entered trollmarket, and around him, silence grew as trolls stopped and stared at him. Some knelt, an old, old gesture of both acceptance and sorrow. Jim had not been a troll. But as he continued to fight for them, that somehow made him even more accepted—for what was greater than a hero who fought for those not of his family?

And now, he was dead. His body never to be recovered.

Draal felt his pace slowing as he heard Blinky's enthusiastic words. Making plans that were no longer needed. But he forced himself to enter the chamber. Blinky, Claire, and Toby were looking over the table, facing away from him.

"You do not need to search for James Lake," Draal said quietly.

"Why, what do you me—" Blinky turned before the others and stopped, six eyes going wide. "Oh Merlin, no." He whispered. Claire and Toby turned a moment later, to see Draal wearing the armor of daylight.

"It came to me just before sunrise," Draal said.

"They just took it away, right?" Toby looks… Lost.

"No." Blinky closes his eyes. "Master Tobias, you know what it means if the Amulet chooses another."

'I—no, Jim can't—not after…" Toby starts to breath faster. "They used a magic spell, right? That's gotta be it." His voice starts scaling up. "Jim can't be dead—he has to go to school! He has to graduate and get a job and play video—he _can_ _'_ _t…"_ Toby's leg's start to give way, and suddenly Claire is helping him down to the ground.

As Toby melts down, Claire holding him, Draal stares at Claire, at how her face has gone fixed. Frozen. It is disturbing, to hear her voice, seemingly untouched by what has happened, calming Toby down.

It is very disturbing.

She remains calm even after Tobias has dissolved into near hysteria, Blinky finally forcing a calming potion between his lips. Blinky looks like he could use one as well.

"How can we tell Dr. Lake?" Claire asks. Her voice is…

 _Calm. Too calm._ This isn't normal, Draal knows, but he doesn't know what _is_ normal for a fleshbag in this case.

"I—" Blinky closes his eyes, puts his hand out, blindly touching AAARRRGGHh's corpse. "I have Jim's Vespa. I know one road he takes…"

Draal nods. The road with the deep gorge and rushing stream.

"She…" Claire pauses. "She'll know he died. She'll know he died quickly." She takes a deep breath, closes her eyes. It's the closest Claire has come to showing grief. "But she won't know what he did for us."

"No." Blinky said. "Would it"—his voice breaks—"help?"

Draal thinks they all know the answer to that.

"Do you need our help?" Claire softly says.

"No." Draal tells her, voice firm. "We'll do it—"

"I see the amulet has found another wielder." Vendel has come in, quietly.

"Yes. Early this morning."

"I am sorry for your loss," Vendel says to Claire and Toby. "Trollmarket is in his debt and he will be remembered."

Claire's hand clenches into a fist opens up, clenches again. Once, twice, three times. Then she looks at Vendel and Draal can't remember any time he'd seen those brown eyes so cold, so… emotionless. She shakes her head, and walks over to Toby.

"Toby, give me your hammer."

"But—but we nee…" Toby's voice is lost.

"No. We don't, not anymore." Claire takes out her staff, holding it with the hammer, then nods, and walks to Vendel. She holds them both out. "For you."

Vendel paused, staring at the weapons that Claire held. "Fair Claire," the ancient troll said. "You do not need to surrender your weapons. Queen Usurna doesn't even know of them."

"We were here because of Jim," Claire said, her eyes gleaming. "And because of Enrique. Jim is"—her voice breaks—"gone, and Enrique is home. Bular is gone, the bridge is destroyed. It's time for us to go home. Barbara will need"—she blinked her eyes several times—" _we_ need some time." Vendel reached out and took the staff and hammer, and then, unexpectedly, gave the two children a deep bow.

"If you ever decide to return or visit, you will be welcome here."

"Thank you," Claire said. She holds hands with Toby who just looks _lost_. Toby puts his head against AAARRRGGHH's body, sniffling before he turns as Claire leads him out of the chamber, the three trolls following them.

"I hope they don't. Return here, I mean." Draal said softly, as the three watch the two figures walk up the pathway to the surface. At some point, Claire put her arm around Toby and they leaned into each other as if they were unable to stand up straight by themselves.

"I thought you had reconciled yourself." Vendel was surprised.

"I have. But they're whelps. James Lake helped saved us from Bular, but _he_ was sacrificed for our salvation. Even had he survived, what life is that for a human wh-child?" Draal's eyes were thoughtful. "And they die so very quickly. A decade for us—barely a moment. For them…" The trollhunter shook his head. "Let them return home, seek what healing they can seek. Forget about us. They have _given_ us enough, and we have _taken_ enough from them."


	2. Toby

Toby doesn't even get home before he starts to sob again.

 _Jim_ _'_ _s Dead, Jim's Dead…_ It's something that doesn't happen. Jim doesn't die! He gets kicked around by bad guys then saves the day.

 _Jim_ _'_ _s Dead, Jim's Dead._ Toby can't stop crying. When the police come around, asking if he's seen Jim, he can tell them, truthfully, not since a few nights ago. They ask him questions, and a search is started. Police and rescue workers from as far away as Texas eventually join the search, helicopters buzzing overhead.

The men start out determined, but then, as days pass, their expressions become grim. "72 hour window" is mentioned on the news.

Toby sees one interview with Dr. Lake, begging anyone who has seen her son to come forward.

 _I didn_ _'_ _t see him, but I know where he died…_

He doesn't go to school that day, merely stays in his bed, crying. Nana takes care of him, seeming more in the world then she's been for some time.

And then, on the fourth day, the remains of Jim's Vespa is found, wedged under a bridge, miles below town. The search focuses on the stream and river it joins up with, with cadaver dogs on the banks, and Coast Guard boats helping the police check the main river and the mouth where it enters the Pacific, men and women working to bring Barbara Lake's child home to her, if only in death.

But there is no body.

 _They_ _'_ _ll never have a body. Not here. His body is already buried._

The school is quiet. Nobody bothers Toby or Claire. Even _Steve_ is nice to Toby. Senor Uhl calls him in and tells him that his office is always open, sounding more human than Toby's ever heard him. Later, there's an assembly, where Uhl tells the students, quietly, regretfully, that the search has been called off, and James Lake Junior is presumed to have died in the crash, his body lost to the waters.

Mary, Shannon and Darcie start crying—they're not the only ones. Toby's crying, but nobody makes fun of him.

Claire isn't. She sits upright and her face is the same calm mask it's been since they got the news.

It's weird. Toby, when he's thinking about it at all, would figure that the teachers would spend more time with the kids who were crying. But they seem more worried about Claire, asking her how she is, shadowing her, sometimes calling her in for a little chat. But Claire is doing like she always has, finishing her work on time and getting As…

The only thing she has done differently is that she's quit the drama club.

Toby wonders if he should tell anyone about the day he found all of her Shakespeare books in a trashbin, their pages slashed and torn.

But he has other problems. He still cries himself to sleep a lot (no sense staying up when there's nobody to play games with or talk to, and Claire is scaring him). But he does try to take care of Dr. Lake.

She's on long-term leave from the hospital, and Toby's heard from Darcie, that she's been picked up by the police a couple of times, wandering around town with no clear idea where she is or what she's looking for, just that she's missing someone. Toby makes certain to stop by in the morning to get her paper and… Check on her. So does Claire.

It's about the most contact Toby has with Claire. She's the same quiet, reserved girl, but Toby notices that she looks like she's losing weight. As often as not, there are shadows under her eyes.

She ignores his questions about her eating, just telling him she's fine.

So they come to Dr. Lake's house and she opens the door and Toby gives her the newspaper, and some fast food breakfast he bought to make certain she's eating. (He can't cook, not in Jim's kitchen, never in Jim's kitchen. Dr. Lake doesn't need to see him sobbing on the floor). Dr. L has huge shadows under her eyes and her face is gaunt. She loses track of the conversation now and then, and a few times, she speaks of Jim in the present tense, wondering how he's doing in school.

Even _Claire_ _'_ _s_ face cracks at that a little bit. Toby tells Senor Uhl, and not long later, Detective Scott and the rest of the Arcadia PD make certain to do nightly welfare checks on Dr. Lake, maybe talk for a bit. But Toby still comes by every morning. He also finds out that he and Claire are having mandatory meetings with the school counselor. They're nice meetings… just talking and not tests, the nattily dressed older man content to say lots or nothing, depending on what Toby wants to say. He wishes he could tell him the truth.

* * *

The morning of the funeral, Toby is dressed in his mourning clothes. It seems like everyone in Arcadia is there. Everyone and more—Toby sees, far up on the hills, where the morning shadows linger, what might be a flash from silver armor. The priest does his best, but everyone knows that the coffin is empty, and Dr. Lake sits, looking around like she's not certain where she is anymore. There's no sign of Jim's birth father.

Claire has that same upright, calm pose… But Toby notices that her hands are clenched into fists. Her parents are to each side of her, and they both shoot more than one concerned look at their daughter.

 _Good_ , Toby thinks. _I_ _'_ _m not the only one._

* * *

It's three weeks after the funeral when Toby next encounters death. Dr. Lake doesn't answer the door. Toby knocks again and again.

"Do you think she's sleeping?" He asks Claire.

"Check the window," she says in that clipped voice that is so unlike the old Claire.

They check. Toby sighs, when he sees Dr. Lake's hand, resting on the armrest of the chair the TV playing some morning program. She's…

It's then that he notices that the tea next to her looks cold, no little swirls of steam coming up from it. That her hand seems _limp_ , unmoving.

And then he's stabbing out 911 as fast as he can.

He and Claire are told to stay on the sidewalk as first Detective Scott and then several other officers enter the house, followed by paramedics. But they don't stay long, and pretty soon the medical examiner's truck is rolling up and Detective Scott asks them to come with him.

The blood is roaring in Toby's ears. Jim's mom, dead. Barbara with her terrible cooking dead. He should have come earlier. He should have called earlier.

Detective Scott is talking. Words. Barbara had an aneurysm or heart attack sometime that night. He doesn't say how he'd know that, but Toby figures he's seen other dead bodies. He keeps talking, telling them that even if they'd shown up an hour earlier, even if they had called that second, Dr. Lake was long dead. She died peacefully, a photo album in her lap and it wasn't their fault.

They're not allowed to ride to school. Detective Scott drives Toby back home. The Nunez's come and get Claire and she walks her bike to the car, puts it in, and then sits in back, hands folded, face calm. Detective Scott makes a dismayed sound, and then walks over and talks to Claire's parents. Toby can't hear everything, just a few words. Grief Counselor, assistance services, other words. Then he's back with Toby and they're going home to Nana.

The days start to flow together, and now Toby has another counselor coming to his house, and a lady from Social Services who talks to Nana, shooting concerned looks at Toby. Finally, one day, Nana calls Toby in.

"Tobypie," she says softly, and suddenly Toby looks at her, and sees not his dotty Nana (who he loves), but the Nana who buried his mother. "I don't think this town is doing us any good. I hear you talking about all the memories… But sometimes, memories can drag us down."

"What… What are you saying?" Toby asks.

"I have a friend who wants to sell their home in San Diego." Nana says. "I think the change would do us good."

Toby wants to say no. Give up Arcadia? Give up all the places that he and Jim…

 _But there is no Jim anymore, and when was the last time you went to one of your places?_ _"_ The answer is never. The ghost of Jim is always present in his memories, hurts too much. In fact… Toby can't remember a time when he's done anything else than ride to school, go home and…

Well. Go home and remember everyone lost. He needed to be here to take care of Dr. L, but now she's buried next to the empty coffin of her son. He hopes her spirit can find him—that's what heaven's for, right?

But Toby can't do anything about that, and suddenly he realizes… that's there's nothing left for him here. He and Claire barely talk, and everything hurts _too much._

"I… I think it would be great," he says, and goes up to his room to cry one last time for Jim and AAARRRGGHH and how _stupid_ they were to think that an adventure would end with the credits rolling and everyone going home to dinner.

* * *

The day Toby leaves, he talks to Claire. She smiles at him (but it doesn't reach her eyes) and promises him she'll take care of herself (but she still looks skinny, even though her mother has taken to coming by and taking her and her friends to lunch), and hopes they'll see each other again.

Toby doesn't know about that, as he and Nana get on the bus that will leave Arcadia. He's made a decision.

He's never coming back to the place that killed his best friend.


	3. Claire

Claire is the one who handles things. Just ask her mom. Ask anyone in the drama club. Ask her teachers.

So when Jim dies, she has to handle things. Toby is crying and she has to get him up and out. Stay calm. Nothing will help if she goes hysterical. She gets home, and her parents ask her where she was and she tells them that they were out for a bit, before Jim drove her home.

Papi looks suspicious, but he never really trusted Jim.

 _But Jim_ _'_ _s gone. He'll never kiss you or dance with you. He got Enrique back, but nobody was there to get him. To save him._ Claire lies down, but crushes the desire to cry. The glass that has been between her and the world since she helped Toby out of Trollmarket— _remember how Jim showed you Trollmarket—_ remains firm.

That night, her sleep is disturbed by dreams. Dreams of holding Jim's hand in hers, trying to keep it from slipping away. _If only you were faster. If only you had been faster, he would be here today._ There are other dreams, of Jim crying out, being beaten to death by things with glowing eyes, whose hateful laughter fills the air.

Later, Claire eats breakfast, goes to school, the glass still between her and the world. It's there that the news that Jim's missing— _he_ _'_ _s not missing, he's dead—_ comes out.

Everyone looks at her, but Claire finds it impossible to get angry, to really _feel_. She talks to her friends, but they start looking nervously at her, as if she's doing something wrong.

Claire doesn't know why. She's just being calm. Then Ms. Janith and Senior Uhl and even Coach Lawrence call her in and talk to her, along with the school counselor, especially after Jim is confirmed dead (but she already knew that, of course). She's fine, she tells them, sitting properly (her mother always warns her about proper posture), hands in her lap. They should be more concerned about Toby. He's the one handling it poorly, swinging between tears and anger until even Steve walks quietly around him.

She wonders if he keeps dreaming at night. She does. Every night. Only Jim never talks. Just screams and cries out for help.

But Claire's in charge. She handles things. As always. She takes care of Enrique, and sometimes wonders where NotEnrique went. Maybe he's ashamed. But her parents start telling her she needs to go out with her friends more (but the friend she wants, the boy she wants is just a memory of blue eyes and black hair), and cutting back on her chores.

Claire humors them. There's always something showing, and if she's sitting by herself, ignoring what's on the screen, she's still _going out._

Right?

But her mother notices that she's losing a little weight, not much, she's just not hungry that much, and keeps forcing her to eat, even coming by school for "lunch parties for her and her friends." Claire doesn't mind. It's easy to look like you're eating when your friends are with you. It's not that she hates food—she's just not hungry.

Claire quits the drama club. She really isn't interested anymore— _Leaning down to kiss her in his silver armor—_ and her grades have been slipping a little. Sometimes, it's hard for her to focus, for some reason.

When she's packing the books away, she looks down and remembers how romantic Romeo and Juliette had once sounded to her, and suddenly there's a roaring in her ears and when she comes back, she's sitting in her room, shredded, torn books around her and tear tracks running down her cheeks.

She's lucky nobody sees her and she can wash and toss everything away before her parents come back. They would probably be disappointed. The glass slides back between her and the world, and she is okay again.

When Dr. Lake dies. Toby is frantic. Claire is left to give her report to the police officer, very calmly. Screaming wouldn't help, after all.

Oddly, he seems more worried about her than he is Toby, urgently speaking with her parents for several minutes before they go home.

Claire finds it harder to get any sleep. She is up late at night, looking over Enrique's crib, attentive for the sound of things that might come and take him away. Jim isn't here to rescue him if that happens.

Her mother gets more concerned, and wonders if she needs some medication to help her sleep.

Claire makes a joke of it, and her parents laugh, but the laughter doesn't reach their eyes. She promises to get more sleep.

The idea of being forced to sleep, unable to wake up (because waking up is the only way she can stop seeing Jim on the ground, those brutal stone fists pounding him until he's still), is frightening to her. She starts making certain to use her make up to disguise the shadows under her eyes. Occasionally, she takes caffeine tablets to keep her awake in class.

But her grades keep slipping. As to Bs to Cs, and both teachers and parents are talking to her. She's ashamed. Mom had talked about her graduating early, and now she will be lucky if she even graduates. Claire resolves to work harder, even if her mother tells her that she needs to relax, that everyone understands.

She knows that mom is disappointed. She wonders if Jim would be, as well.

But Jim is gone and he never talks to her in her dreams.

Then Toby leaves.

Claire is happy. She likes Toby, but of late, he kept asking her how she was doing. She thinks he told her mother some things—maybe that is why she kept trying to get her to eat.

But she's fine.

Until, one day, the glass _cracks._

* * *

Claire is alone in the locker room, getting ready for Gym.

She doesn't like gym. Lately, every time Coach Lawrence sees her, he looks grim, as if she's done something wrong, and her mom shows up to force her to eat. Lately, she's been standing over her, making her eat, not letting her hide the food and throw it away later.

Jim can't eat anymore. Jim won't ever eat anymore. When Claire thinks of that, she vomits her food up again. But it doesn't change the fact that Mary and Darci and Coach and everyone seems to think there's something _wrong_ with her.

She's just lost a little weight. If her clothes are looser, that happens to everyone. She doesn't wear her hairpins any more, because they're too much trouble, and her hair is disordered, no matter how much she combs it, so she just lets it be (Jim liked her hairpins).

There's a thunderstorm outside, and suddenly, a flash and roar coincides with the lights going out. Claire looks around, and she…

Sees them. Huge, bulky figures, their rocky hand dripping in blood. The thunder turns to words.

 _Help me, help me, help me_ _…_

And suddenly Claire is in the gym, half dressed, everyone looking at her, the sound of screams echoing from the walls.

Nobody is laughing. You would think they would be laughing about Claire, on the ground (like Jim), tangled up in her clothes. But they aren't. Silent, frightened eyes are looking at her, and coach isn't yelling at her to get in line, he's kneeling in front of her, one hand out, saying things in a soft voice.

But Coach isn't who she needs.

"Where's Jim?" Her voice doesn't sound like hers, Claire thinks. It sounds like a little girl, looking for her parents. But she can't change it. Jim can help her, he brought Enrique back. She just needs to talk to Jim. "Is Jim here? I need to talk to Jim." She wonders why she's crying. Why tears are rolling down her cheeks.

There are choked sounds around her. Claire looks up, and she hopes Mary isn't about to make a joke. But Mary isn't. Her cell phone is nowhere to be seen and her back is turned as she's hugging Darci. The girls' shoulders are heaving.

Are they laughing? Claire doesn't know. Everything seems to be strange and she can't understand it. Why is Steve standing there, tears on his face, biting down on his fist. Why does Eli look like he's praying?

The doors open and Senor Uhl, Ms. Janis and the school nurse join coach at a run. She figures coach is going to yell at them, but he opens his mouth and closes it, like he doesn't know what to say. Senor Uhl is saying things. Ambulance, parents. Paramedics. The students are leaving, quietly, some of them crying (but why are they crying? Jim's just absent, isn't he?). Janis is telling Claire that help is coming.

But help never came for Jim.

And then Darci's dad is there, along with two men in blue uniforms. They take her pulse and blood pressure. Claire doesn't understand what they mean, but she lets them hold her arms out, and then they're putting her on the stretcher.

Why? She doesn't need the stretcher. She just needs Jim.

And then they take her out of the gym. Claire wonders when she'll come back.


	4. Toby 2

San Diego is different than Arcadia. Bigger, brighter. The streets are busy all the time, the flowing lights of the interstates visible from Toby's room.

He'd expected some old house like the one in Arcadia. Instead, it's a nice, two-story house that was built in the 21st century.

It doesn't have a basement, just a slab. Toby is happy about that. There's no longer the temptation to go down at night to see if his friend has returned and is waiting to play a new game.

The school is bigger, brighter, as well, with more kids. Toby feels more nervous than he's been in years—Jim isn't here. Jim's always been here, since their first days in school.

But now it's Toby, by himself. Before his first day of school, he meets with the school psychologist, is told that he'll be meeting with him and the grief counselor. Evidently, they sent all of his records in.

But school is… Nice. Unlike Arcadia, there's a bunch of clubs, including an esports team. Full of people like Toby (but not like AAARRRGGHh. Not like Jim) who enjoy playing games—they even have tournaments with other schools. As long as Toby keeps his grades up, that is. He enjoys Seaport Village, and all the shops, and how busy everything looks, even if bike riding is a bit more hazardous on the crowded roads.

And he keeps remembering Jim. There's a picture of Jim and Toby on his desk, and he keeps one in his locker. Some of the kids make jokes about gays, but most of them shut up when he mentions that Jim was his friend who died.

Rumors grow up about that. Toby and Jim got caught by drug dealers. Jim was taken by aliens. Jim never existed and Toby's nuts.

Toby doesn't care. He has his circle of friends now, and they do stuff, and sometimes Toby wonders why he and Jim were so solitary.

But even so, Jim saved the world. Gunmar is locked in his prison, Enrique survived (Even if Claire might not. Darci's messages about the third member of their team reduce Toby to tears). Jim's dead, but he did more in his short life than most of the adults Toby sees when he looks around.

And Toby wonders, if he'd been faster, if he'd been willing to put in more, maybe he could have gone with Jim.

But then they would have both died. But if Jim gave so much, gave all of his tomorrows, dates with Claire (poor Claire), graduation, an ordinary life. All to save Enrique, to seal the gate after him…

To save two worlds.

What can Toby give? Somehow, spending his life playing video games (however fun they are), doesn't seem like a very good way to remember his friend. Jim played video games, but he did so very much more with his life.

Toby knows his strengths. He can't be a doctor, like Dr. L (killed by Gunmar, even if he never landed a blow on her), but maybe…

Toby is on the port when he's thinking about that, and he notices one of the big, gray navy ships leaving the harbor. Toby knows he'll never be the lone hero, the cop running the perp down by himself. But he was… Decent at being part of a team. He knows he could be a lot more than "decent" now.

Toby doesn't make his decision immediately. He takes a week, going to the esports club, talking to some of his new friends (San Diego is a Navy town, after all, and many of them have relatives who joined), and thinking about it.

And next Monday, he looks at Jim's picture, the goofy kid who could barely look at Claire. Toby's friend. The ordinary teen who became so much more. Toby can't become Jim. He knows this, but perhaps, just perhaps, he can do something with his life to honor what Jim gave him—and everyone. Even if they don't know about it.

Monday, after school, Toby knocks on the door of the guidance counselor and walks in, to ask what classes he should take his junior and senior year if he wants to join the Navy.


	5. Claire 2 part 1

Claire doesn't know where she is. The ambulance ride was disorienting, but when she gets there, she remembers something very important.

They have to know to watch Enrique. She starts our reasonable. But nobody listens to her, so she gets louder, and suddenly, she's _screaming_ , fighting the hands that are trying to keep her down. There are words, people asking her to calm down, but none of them are listening to her and none of them are leaving to go watch _Enrique_. Claire tries to get up, to go find her little brother, to make certain he won't be taken (Jim's gone, Jim will never rescue him again), but there are too many _hands_ , holding her down and then there's a little prick in her arm, and she fades into darkness, no matter how much she fights.

Everything goes dark (like where Jim's body is, and where Dr. Lake's body is, in the dark coffin) and Claire can't fight it, however much she tries.

When Claire wakes up, she's in a room. She tries to move, but her arms and legs are secured to the bed. She feels woozy, and notices there's a tube in her arm. Everything feels strange. There's a large nurse in the room with her, who immediately starts asking her questions with a smile.

Claire doesn't really understand everything she's being asked. When was the last time she had a full meal? Has she been throwing up a lot? How long as she been taking caffeine tablets?

Claire realizes she doesn't know. She can't remember when she _didn_ _'_ _t_ take some caffeine to stay awake. The nurse says she's underweight, but when Claire asks about Enrique, warns the nurse to watch for Enrique, the women smiles. She doesn't tell Claire to not worry. She says that her mother and father and Enrique have been here for the whole day.

Claire doesn't understand how they can be here for the whole day. Wasn't she just at school? Then there's a doctor in the room with her, asking more questions. More of the same. Claire doesn't understand why he's so intent on them, but she tries to answer.

Suddenly Claire realizes that she's going to miss her test that day—and that was the only hope she has of making it out of the class with a C. Her parents will be so disappointed. She wants to know when she can go back, because she has to take the test. For some reason she starts crying and screaming at him to let her go back and take the test. The rage passes over her, and then she's lying back in the bed, panting, exhausted, like everything is catching up to her, tears running down her cheeks. The doctor leaves and she hears him talking, dimly, the sound of her mother crying (why is she crying? Is she _that_ disappointed in Claire) in the background. She can't hear the entire conversation. Just words. Stress. Exhaustion. Possible hallucinations brought on by a stress-related breakdown. Then her family comes in to look at her. Her mother is holding Enrique, and Claire sobs in relief that someone listened to her, understood her. She tells her to keep watching Enrique, never let him out of her sight. Mom agrees, then bites her lip and says nothing else. Javier gently brushes her hair back and tells her, his voice breaking only once, she she'll have to stay here for a few days, that the doctors are worried about her diet. He wants her to promise that she won't try to run out and that she'll listen to the doctors.

Claire nods. If they're watching Enrique…

The next day, she's moved to her own room, and the restraints are taken off. It's painted white, with a window onto a little garden. There aren't any hooks in the closet, and the lighting fixture is built into the ceiling. Claire doesn't have her old clothes, just a sort of paper robe and slippers. Even the bedsheets look like you could tear them apart. She asks why, and the nurse tells her not to worry, it's just to make certain the patients don't hurt themselves. There's a camera in the ceiling and a window in the door.

The door doesn't open from the inside. That bothers Claire. She's never been in a room that didn't open from the inside (But Jim was in a whole realm that didn't open from the inside).

The nurse stays with her, makes her eat, and this time, she can't excuse herself. She also gives her a pair of pills, making her open her mouth to show that she really did swallow them. Nobody has done that since she was a little baby.

Even so, it's hard to go to sleep. She doesn't want to, but she something about the pills make her tired. She ends up in a half-awake, half-asleep state, as the facility gets quieter (but the lights in the hallway stay on, and her room only goes dim, not dark, so that anyone looking in can see her).

She hardly notices the thump on the floor, her eyes closed. Until then she feels a hand lightly brush over her cheek and words echoing in the room.

"Aw Sis, this shouldn't have happened t'ya…"


	6. Claire 2 Part 2

"Y're fault." Claire's voice is soft. She should be angry, but she guesses one of the pills did something to her. Or maybe she's just too tired. Now that the glass between her and the world is gone, she's so terribly tired.

The hand pauses and she wonders if NotEnrique is going to leave, or hit her with some snarky comment about how Jim should have practiced more (but he practiced, even when the rest of his life was collapsing, he was always there at the Forge).

Then the hand is back, a damp cloth wiping Claire's face clean.

"Yeah. You got that right, Sis. Our fault all the way. Me, Draal, Blinky, all the way back to Merlin. Y'shoulda been left to live your lives." There's a sigh. "I guess everyone sort of forgot you were just kids. You kept _winning_ , and we never thought about what would happen when you lost. Blinky's been beating himself up for not figuring out a way to get the damned amulet to Draal when Jim first showed up…" The cloth moves to the other side of her face, washing her, before it's put away and she feels a brush, running through her disordered hair.

She likes it. It reminds her of when she was little and her mother would brush her hair at night.

"Me play'n at being a baby when I'm three times as old as you are…"

Claire finally opens her eyes to see NotEnrique's glowing orbs. He's holding her favorite brush from her house.

"Jim isn't coming back."

NotEnrique pauses at her words, closes his eyes, this annoying changeling who had become her friend. Opens his eyes, then shakes his head. "Nah, Sis. That's how it works."

"Oh." Tears are trickling down her cheeks, but she can't get any more force to her words. "Parent's are so disappointed."

"In you?" NotEnrique sounds surprised. "Nah. Plenty in themselves. Finally figured out that their little girl can't just keep having stuff piled on her shoulders." He drops his voice. "Them 'an us both." He sighs. "But that's not why I'm here. Draal would have my guts for garters if he found out. He wants us to leave you all alone—thinks you've paid enough for the association. Me, I figure, give you some news, first."

"News?"

"Yeah. Bridge is gone. Dismantled, and…" NotEnrique smiled. "Draal gave yours truly a special assignment. Littlest piece of the bridge? We managed to sneak it into a little rocket ship at a place called NASA. It's heading for Jupiter. Nobody can ever get it back, and that means, nobody can ever put the bridge back together. Also, between us, Draal and I got all but one fetch. They're destroyed, except for the one Blinky has, in case we can ever get the rest of the kiddos out."

"Oh." Claire supposes she should be happy, but she can't muster any more energy.

"Last thing, Claire. Familiars are tied to changelings. But that spell only works once. You never have to worry about Enrique again."

"Oh. That's nice."

He sighs, runs his hand over her hair, lightly, so as not to disarrange it. "We really screwed you up. Didn't we?"

"My fault."

"Nah, Sis. You got nothing to be guilty about." The changeling pauses for a moment. "Don't know if I'll be able to come back. Maybe, maybe not, depending on Draal… But you three? You did more than anyone since Deya. Jim's got his statue in the Forge, now an forever." A pause and the changeling stiffens. "Watch nurse is coming back on duty." For the first time since she's known him,NotEnrique presses his lips to her forehead, kisses her. "Get better. Walk out of here. And live your life, Sis. You earned it." And then he's gone.

* * *

Claire's not certain if it was a dream. The next morning, she's taken to eat breakfast, have a pill (only one, this time) and then given some time outside in a nice garden.

There's a nurse with her. But it's still pleasant. They tell her she'll be here for about a week, depending on how she does. Claire asks them what she has to do, but nobody gives her an answer. It's not like a test, she guesses.

But they have her talk to Doctor Sims, a therapist and Shrink-in-Training, or so the placard on his desk says, in the brightly lit, airy office. The papers framed behind him say other things, but she really can't read them.

He doesn't ask much for the first few days, just talks. He doesn't seem to mind when she answers in monosyllables. Claire starts talking a little more. It's nice to talk to someone who doesn't keep _asking_ what you want or feel, just listens.

On the third day, they let her wear her clothes. She can't wear shoes with laces, or some of her underthings for safety reasons, but it's nice wearing her normal clothes (Jim liked these clothes). She still has the camera in her room and there's still a nurse with her when she eats, though. Her parents visit her and talk to her, although sometimes they have to leave the room abruptly, especially if Claire forgets and asks how Jim or Dr. Lake are doing.

Doctor Sims and her start talking more, and he starts asking questions. Harmless ones, about how they met what they were doing, does she miss her school. And then, one day, he asks a question she wasn't prepared for.

"Do you feel guilty about Jim's death?" There's a roaring in her ears and she remembers all the times she demanded that Jim go rescue Enrique, how he went, he went because she demanded it, he went alone because she wasn't go—

Claire comes back to the world, and she's pressed up against the corner of the room, rocking back and forth, arms around her legs, pulling them into her chest.

"Ah." Sims sits down next to her on the floor. It must be more difficult for him. He's older than her grandparents, but he does it without complaint. "Our choices are our own. If you had died, making the same choices Jim made, should he feel guilty for you?"

No. Of course he shouldn't. But it doesn't help right now, in the sunny room where she can only hear her crying and half formed words.

"Everyone," Claire doesn't realize they're her words. "Sometimes they want me to forget. They want…"

"You to move on? To get over Jim?" Sims' voice is quiet. "To let everything go back to the way it was, except for the fact that he and Doctor Lake aren't here?"

Claire can't say anything, she just sniffles.

"Well, good thing we're not doing that. I have friends gone forty years and more, and I remember them. Sometimes I forget that they _are_ gone, when I hear a joke they'd laugh at. People don't deal well with death, and that makes them say stupid things. To pretend he never was…" Sims shakes his head. "Even if you could do that, you would have to fall _out of_ love with Jim Lake to do so. You would have to make certain you never fell in love again, so that you would never be hurt again."

Claire looks up at him. _Never to love again? Never to love in the past?_ Because that's what he was saying, to stop loving, not just in the future, but in the now, and even forsake her memory of love…

"And so you would die, even if you were still walking and talking upon this earth. To love is to be vulnerable. To love, is to be _human._

"No. I'm not here to help you get over him, or move on. I'm a healer, not a monster. Getting over him implies that he was never worth your love in the first place, and he was. So let us work together and see if we can find a way to properly _honor_ Jim and his memory in the way you live _your_ life."

Claire doesn't think she can do that. But thinking back how she didn't feel anything, just the glass between her and the world, and the idea of having to be like that… _Forever_ _…_

 _"_ Okay," her voice is so soft she can barely hear it. But she lets Doctor Sims take her hand and lead her back to the chair.

"Good. Then let's begin."

* * *

Author's note:

Much of this chapter springs from this particular quote by C.S. Lewis:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."


	7. Toby 3

_Actually doing something is harder than deciding to do it._ Toby remembers what his adviser said, and she was right. She hadn't been in the Navy. She'd been in the Marine Corps before an injury invalidated her out. That had been a long time ago, in a place called Iraq. But she warns Toby that if he wants to make a career, he has to start developing the skills he's ignored all of his life right now.

And it's hard. Toby finds himself taking the hard classes, instead of looking for the easy classes. It requires the sacrifice of cutting back his Esports activities. (But Jim had made the ultimate sacrifice, and would never get excited over a new game).

But Toby soon realizes his limits. He'll never be the best math whiz, or genius at anything—but he finds that he's great at working with people. He can talk to them and calm them down, keep everyone on task no matter how hard the assignment is. Group activities start to compete to have Toby with them—because he manages to keep everything on an even keel.

It's a nice feeling, being needed. Late night sessions at the library, working with other kids, talking about stuff that has nothing to do with magic or trolls or any of the old memories from Arcadia. He keeps in touch with Darcie, and she tells him about Claire.

Toby hopes that Claire finds her peace. Sometimes he wonders if _she_ should leave, but she has more friends than he did, and two parents, so maybe not. He doesn't talk a lot with Claire—most of the things they could talk about are too painful to talk about, and he had never really associated with her before the events that pulled them into the war that killed Jim. They are still friends, but friends who are walking increasingly divergent paths.

Toby also starts taking PE seriously. His adviser warned him that even services that didn't demand the fitness of a combat infantryman were less and less tolerant of those who couldn't make the grade physically. So he finds himself working out more. He'll never be a Hercules, but he finds the activities becoming easier and easier, even if they demand he jog every morning and night.

He enjoys it. It also helps with bad dreams. But Toby, perhaps for the first time in his life, has a goal, a goal beyond the next game. And for the next two years, he keeps driving for it.

The hard classes become easier, the runs faster, and it turns out that Claire's mom was keeping track of him, and had some friends in the government. In his senior year, Toby finds himself putting together, very nervously, an application, right before he gets called in to talk with one of the Senators for California.

He doesn't expect much to come of it, there have to be people better suited to the appointment than he is, so Toby focuses on other schools, as the senior year slowly comes to a close.

Nana is… She is becoming older, and they have a visiting nurse to check on her, but she's still the bright-eyed (if occasionally dotty) Nana Toby has loved all of his life. He knows that she's happy he's changed—Nana claims he's thriving now.

Toby's not certain.

But one day, a month before graduation, she hands something to Toby that terrifies him more than anything since he came to San Diego.

An acceptance letter.

To the United States Naval Academy at Annapolis.

Toby has worked harder than he'd ever worked before in his life to get this little letter.

He has a feeling that the hard work is only going to get _harder_ from this point on. But Jim never let that stop him.

Jim, his friend, who will never graduate or go to college or have a family.

Toby owes it to Jim to not let "harder" stop him.


	8. Claire 3

Every Sunday afternoon, Claire visits Jim. Her parents hadn't wanted her to at first, but Dr. Sim's gently cuts Ophelia off.

"We do not forget our loved ones," he tells Claire's mother. "And it is unhealthy to try to do so." He looks at Claire. "And finding a time, a place to speak to them, to remember them, is important."

"I can't…" Claire breaks off. She always used to be able to talk. Why is it so _hard_ now? "I want to find a place I can talk to Jim. So I…" She bites her lip, hard. Closes her eyes. "So I can—" her voice breaks. She can't say it. _So I can tell Jim…_ Even in her thoughts, she can't finish the sentence. She feels her mother's hand on one shoulder, her father's on the other.

"Then we'll take you," Ophelia quietly says.

They start while she's still at the hospital. Her parents are allowed to check her out, and they do, for church and then to go to the graveyard. Claire had gone to church because her parents wanted to, because it was something she did.

When did she become so desperate to hope that the priest was telling the truth? That Jim was…

That Jim was in heaven, with his mother, not trapped in some black abyss.

And so Claire comes to the simple gravestones of James Lake, Jr. and his mother, Barbara Lake. The flowers are gone, and they have no family to visit, no family to remember them. Not any who live in Arcadia.

Just Claire.

She puts down a little pot with some roses in it in front of Jim's grave.

There are the words.

JAMES LAKE JR.

2003-2018

Claire closes her eyes, runs her fingers along the cool stone.

"Hi, Jim." She bites her lip, looks across the cemetery, down to where her parents are waiting. They wouldn't let her come alone, but they agreed to let her _be_ alone with Jim. "Mom and dad are scared. I think I really fucked up. I…" She closes her eyes again. "I shouldn't have pushed you. Maybe we'd have been more ready. Maybe…" She takes a deep breath. Dr. Sims had warned her about that.

 _The past is fixed, dear Claire. We cannot change it, however much we wish, and 'if only' is a phrase that only leads to sorrow._

"Toby…" Claire falls silent again. "Toby's left for San Diego. He sent me some letters and emails, he's having fun in know, they have an esports club? Yeah, Toby would have been a lot happier if they'd had one here…" Claire reaches out, smooths an errant blade of grass away. She resolves to show up next time with a pair of clippers. Just to make certain Jim and his mother's resting places don't get messed up. "Remember how Toby lived for every new g—" she tries to laugh, but it's half laugh, half sob. "I'll be coming back, every Sunday." Claire promises. "I can tell you what happened at school. Dr. Sims says that I can leave the hospital on Monday. I'll still be an outpatient. I guess they've decided I'm only half-crazy instead of all the way crazy." She pauses. "I don't know what I'll do. I'm failing all my classes and everyone's telling me to not care, but… But you did so _much_. I don't want to just crawl away, because _you_ never did…" The gravestone is wavering in front of her eyes. Blindly, she puts out her hand, the cool stone smooth under her fingers, and she feels some scratches.

Claire pauses, looks down. The troll letters are carved into the stone, looking more like imperfections in the stone, unless you know what to look for.

Unless you read trollish.

 _Our Guardian. Victorious, even in death._

Underneath it, less regular letters.

 _My Son, My Son, Forgive me._

Claire knows who that is from. _Oh, Mr. Blinky…_ She remembers how endlessly enthusiastic he was, and then the way he dimmed on that terrible day.

It didn't help, not really, but it made her feel less _alone_ , that Jim wasn't abandoned, that he had loved ones, even now, who remembered who he had been.

Who missed him.

Tomorrow, she would leave the hospital. The next day, there would be school. Claire sniffled, wiped her eyes on the back of her hand. She had to get back, to get ready. She bent down, brushed her lips across Jim's name.

"I'll come back," she murmured. "I promise. I…" One last breath. "I love you Jim. Wherever you are."

And with that, she turns and walks back to her parents, the sun playing over her as the wind sighs through the trees.


	9. Claire 4

When Claire goes back to school, some students avoid her. She wonders if they see something about her. Others, Darcie, Mary, Steve, even Eli, seem to make a point to stick by her.

It makes Claire feel better, but she's quiet, barely a whisper of her once brash voice sounding in the halls, and she has problems finishing her work or staying on task. It's humiliating.

But Senor Uhl and the others don't say anything other than suggest the after school tutoring courses, and the school counselor agrees. Claire goes. Once she'd have been too prideful to think of that, or maybe not. She'd never needed tutoring like this before…

But she stays with people. That's especially important as the days get shorter. Claire prefers to get home before dark and manages to convince her mother and father to install some security lights. She says it's for things like raccoons.

She doesn't think she's fooled them. They both have seen the way the sound of a feral cat running through the undergrowth can see her spin around, eyes wide. But they buy the lights.

Darcie and Mary take her out, and fuss over her. Claire tries to smile at that, and reminds them that Dr. Sims gave her a clean bill of health. She even eats for them (and she doesn't mention that her mother checks her weight every week).

She tries to act like everything is normal, even if she can still wake up in the middle of the night, frantically listening for… something. She's never certain what. But she closes her eyes again, and counts, or sometimes she turns on the light and reads a book. Dr. Sims warned her about trying to force herself back to sleep, even if he also reminded her that using caffeine tablets and trying to stay awake helped with her breakdown.

As the year continues, Claire slowly gets better. She'll have to take summer school classes, but Senor Uhl tells her that she will stay with her class. She has a solid 2.0 GPA after all.

Claire never thought she'd be as embarrassed as she was by those words. She assumed her mother would have killed her long before things got so bad, but Ophelia hugs her and tells her how proud she is.

Claire wonders if her mother is being sarcastic. But Ophelia doesn't look like it, with tears brimming in her eyes.

She even goes out with Darcie and Mary to do things. One day, they go out, miniature golfing, then see a movie, and Claire smiles and tells them she had fun.

And for a moment, she's amazed. She really _did_ have fun.

Darcie and Mary go home, after walking Claire to her house (It's strange how rare it is that she's alone now. Someone, friend or family, _always_ seems to be nearby). Claire turns to go to her room, but she doesn't even get out of the front room, before she starts thinking about how much Jim would have liked it. And that is where Javier finds her, sobbing on the floor, pounding it with her bruised hands, screaming "Not fair! Not fair!" over and over again.

* * *

And that's why she's back talking to Dr. Sims before their next scheduled meeting. At least it wasn't in class. Claire wonders if worrying about that is a sign that she's better.

"So, I hear you terrified your father out of his socks."

Claire winces. "Sorry."

"Don't be. Remember, I warned you this would take time. Rome wasn't built in a day, after all."

"I…"

"You had fun that day, didn't you?" Sims asks.

Claire can't meet his eyes. Finally, she nods. "Yes."

"And you got home…"

"I—I thought about how Jim would have liked that movie, it was sort of like Gun Rob—" her voice breaks, and Sims hands her a tissue.

"And how dare you," her doctor softly says, in that quiet room. "How dare you have fun when Jim will never see a movie or go golfing again."

His voice isn't condemning, but Claire can't respond, because he's right.

"The same thing happened to me." Sims looks at her. "My wife and I enjoyed Friday night movies. It was a year before I went out with some friends like you, had fun, came back, and sat on my couch and melted down, because how dare I forget, even for a _second,_ my grief. How dare I start enjoying a life without _her._ " He tilts his head. "Because that's what it is about, not that you had fun at a movie, but for a moment, everything was happy. Happy _without Jim_. You were thinking of other things."

"Yes."

"But that's a part of the process. Because if we live only with the grief, eventually, it will turn to hatred. Our minds, our bodies, were not designed to endure this forever, which is why God or what have you gave us the mercy of _imperfect_ memory."

"I'll…"

"The grief will go away, slowly and then you will have times like this, when it is suddenly torn open again. But equally, you will start to remember the good times, the things that make us laugh. But don't try to force it." He sighed. "I wish I had a magic cure, that I could skip to the end of this process—I'd have used it on myself!" his voice is rueful, and Claire feels a tiny laugh emerge.

"Better."

"What happens…"

"At the end?" Sims says softly. "There will come a time when you are with your friends. Someone will bring up the life of Jim Lake Jr., and you will tell his story—the funny stories, and the stories that bring silence. And you and your friends will laugh and remember him, and for that moment, he will be alive again. And then, you will go your own ways, knowing that his memory is with you. The sorrow for what was lost will never leave, not entirely, but it will be transformed."

"Would it be—"

"Yes?"

"I dreamed one night that I had a baby, that I named him Jim."

"Why not, Claire? One day you will have a family, and from our conversations, I have come to know Mr. Lake as well as any who never met him could. Naming a child after him would both honor Jim—and honor the child you named."

"Oh." Claire and Dr. Sims talk a little more, and she finally looks up at him. "Dr. Sims?"

"Yes?"

"I…I… You don't have to answer, I mean—"

"Out with it, young lady," Sims says with a chuckle.

"How do you, I mean, your wife. You said I should visit—"

"Oh, that. I talk to her before I go to bed. Every night, even if only a few words. Like Jim is with you, she is, and shall be with me."

That night, Claire looks out into the sky from her window. Jim wouldn't have wanted her to break down like this. He'd never taken pleasure in someone else's pain.

But it would take her a long time to stop hurting. But Doctor Sims was right—and what would be better? To spend her life just thinking of the things that hurt, until she didn't even want to think about Jim, or to think of the good things, remember the times he made her laugh, or saved them all.

Claire pulls the covers up to her chin, looking out the window, waiting until sleep comes to her.


End file.
